mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
