he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
