Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
