i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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