I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
