The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
