just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
