peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Less talking, more tequila
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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