Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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