Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
