I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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