I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
