i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
