I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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