he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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