I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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