I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's never too late to be topless.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
