Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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