Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
