I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize