I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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