My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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