The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
