I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
