i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize