Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
