today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she pinky promised me she was 18
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
