i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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