could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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