if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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