i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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