Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
