The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
