i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i think my cat just said my name.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
