Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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