id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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