She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
