he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize