matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
