just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize