Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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