I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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