If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
