I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
