I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
