I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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