i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
