why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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