sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
