I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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