Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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