I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
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