and i looked up. we had an audience...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
