Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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