He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
