Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
its liver damage thursday
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
