Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
