Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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