i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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