I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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