After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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